Actually Autistic

I’ll start off by saying that this is obviously my experience, thoughts and feelings, and may not be relevant to any other autistic person. I do not speak for anyone else other than myself. Also it’s not an “official” diagnosis as I’m the wrong age/it’s not visible to others through my behaviour (good old masking), but other psychologist and psychiatrist agreed if I was still at school I would be diagnosed.

It took me a long time to look for a diagnosis but I had an inkling that I’m autistic for a pretty long time. I decided to go for a diagnosis for a couple of reasons. Firstly so that I could say for sure, and not keep questioning whether I was or not because even though I’d pretty much self-diagnosed myself I couldn’t accept that as “true”. Not because I was uncomfortable with the idea at all, but because I didn’t want to take up space that wasn’t mine. And secondly if I got a diagnosis then it might make things easier for my children if they are ever wondering about themselves.

My psychiatrist diagnosed my ADHD first and wasn’t really sure about my autism, I think that’s due to ADHD “covering” some autistic traits and just how good I am at masking. However there were a couple of things I said that stood out and confirmed the diagnosis. One was that I enjoyed school but I didn’t enjoy playtime because I didn’t know what to do, whereas the classroom was safe because I was told what to do. It was structured and I knew the rules.

The second thing was when I was talking to my psychologist about social situations and I mentioned I often find those uncomfortable and hard work. She was thinking that was social anxiety and suggested that we do some role play to make conversations easier, until I responded with “can’t I just not talk to people?” Apparently if it was social anxiety rather than autism I would want to talk to people and learn how.

The thing is I’m fine with structured conversations such as interactions with customers or when there is a specific topic/focus, and I’ll often talk to people I don’t know if I have something to say, so it’s not a fear of strangers. I’m just not good at “small talk” situations because it’s an effort for me to follow the rules of engagement and I inevitably do something wrong, or think I have and spend ages afterwards wondering what I did.

Now that I have a diagnosis I’m more confident about myself, and accepting of myself. Instead of berating myself for not being able to handle certain things, I can understand why and help myself to deal with it; or decide it’s in my best interest to avoid the situation and not feel guilty about it.