Seriously, I came here to post about something; saw I had a draft post from the beginning of the year so had a look at that, added a bit and published it; and now I can’t remember what I came here to ramble on about. 🤔

…..

Oh right! Got it. Yesterday I went and saw my gp because my psychiatrist had referred me to a psychologist and I have an appointment with them later this week and realised I don’t have a mental health plan.

In my appointment my gp and I had a good chat about how I’ve been going and things I’ve been doing to protect myself from getting overloaded/overwhelmed. We also talked about how it’s really common for people, particularly women, to be diagnosed with anxiety and depression when the underlying cause is actually to do with ADHD, ASD, or some other neurodiversity. I was saying that is absolutely what happened with me and it was only when I saw a psychologist that listened to me, and that I felt comfortable enough to fully express myself, that the AuDHD was picked up.

It’s not like the anxiety/depression then went away though – I still get generalised anxiety, panic attacks, and can head into depression; and those things still need to be treated. I feel like much (not all) of that was initially brought on by the untreated AuDHD, and then they took on a bit of a life of their own.

I do an awful lot of environmental engineering to manage my AuDHD, and I’m still learning how to do that effectively. There’s lots of trial and error. And I have really started to put strict boundaries around my time and sense of peace.

I read something once (it was aimed more at people with chronic pain) that said your standard for what you can do, should be what you can do on your worst day. So often I have thought to myself if only I can get myself to be “my best” all the time then I can do it all. But that’s an unrealistic thing for me to aim for.

So that’s something for me to start considering. Yes I would like to be able to do everything, but I can’t and I’m just setting myself up for failure if that is the standard I’m aiming for.

And when I feel exhaused, overwhelmed, overloaded, out of spoons, or whatever; it’s not up for debate. If I say that’s how I am, then that’s how I am; no one else gets to decide for me.

Another money post…. seems fitting given that I am working on the budget / forecast for this year. With all the things going up apart from much movement in income, I’m looking at rejigging a few things to try and make the most out of our $$s even more.

This year I’m going to start putting our big annual bills (house and car insurance) money into the redraw. Two reasons. Firstly because it makes sense to have it sit on the mortgage for the time rather than in a savings account. Even the highest rate savings account isn’t going to be better interest wise than the mortgage. Secondly, I hate redrawing money from the mortgage so I definitely won’t be tempted to “borrow it” and think I’ll repay it later. I could also put our quarterly bills in the redraw, but even though that will save a little in interest as well, it’s not really going to be enough to make the process worth it for me. Also I don’t want to get used to withdrawing money from there.

I’ll do pretty much every thing else the same as I have been although I might find it a bit harder to put money into our “sinking funds” as last year as I am working less, but on the other hand I should be paying less in therapy and chocolate!

*sigh* I wrote all that at the beginning of the year and then forgot to post it. How “ADHD” of me. Ah well.

We had a big financial outlay this year as I decided to upgrade my car. Mainly I wanted something where I was sitting a bit higher up than my Hyundai i30, and I was also sick of manual gears and no cruise control. I was going to go second hand because of budget, but then saw a couple of Chery Tiggo 4’s pass me on the highway and thought they looked good. I figured they’d be out of my price range but looked them up and they were amazingly priced, and I was even able to get a Hybrid without stretching the budget too much.

Best bit was that I was able to pay out of the redraw so no finance needed 😁 That made me very happy. Now to funnel as much money back into the redraw to make sure we get the mortgage paid off when we want it to be.

I can’t think of a title for this post, so rather than stare at it for ages I’m just going to start typing.

It’s been such a long time since I posted anything. I’ve been on a mental and emotional roller coaster…. no maybe caught in a mental and emotional cyclone is a better way to describe it. Not just ups and downs but getting turned around and pushed around. Completely knocked off course.

And it does feel a bit like “a perfect storm” – midlife, perimenopausal, various health issues and way too many doctor appoinments for my liking; late diagnosed AuDHD and the processing, reprocessing, and mixed feelings of grief and relief that comes with that; kids becoming less dependent, but still very dependent, and parents getting to that stage in life where they welcome a bit of assistance from their kids.

Whatever way I think of it, it’s a very long and tiring stage of my life. And I still feel quite far away from where I want to be.

There has been a lot of disregulation, agoraphopia, overwhelm, uncertainty; but also some days (or half days) of feeling quite clear headed and like I can see my way forward. And progress has been made. I have managed a few walks, I reduced my work hours down to what will hopefully be a manageable level for me and my current capacity; and I’ve started to crochet again. I even bought a few plants and got outside in the garden – even if it was only a few mins.

And posting here is also a good sign of forward momentum. 🙂 Fingers crossed it continues!

(and trying to find the road out)

I’ve been struggling more than usual with my mental health. It’s weird though – I’m not in a dark place, it’s more that I just don’t want to do anything. Everything is too much – too overwhelming. It’s like I’m feeling the full force of my ADHD and sensory processing issues. The best way I can explain it is when I go to the supermarket. I can handle the bright lights, the noise, the people, up until a point such as trying to get through a crowded aisle, or there being no bread left, and then I suddenly notice how bright the lights are, how noisy and crowded it is and I want to escape.

And now I’ve reached that point in life – it’s all so noisy and bright and smelly and feels horrible and harsh. Outside is too big and it’s much more comfortable to wrap myself in my weighted blanket.

I don’t want to stay here for too long, but also I wonder if this is my body/mind telling me I need to stay here for a little while without fighting against it. Let myself rest properly. I do have a gp appointment in place next Friday to get a MHP, so maybe until then I’ll give in to the draw of my weighted blanket and line up some mindless tv to watch next week.

I’m also going to finally try and get myself some ADHD meds – I was going fine without them, but I think it’s time to accept the extra help that is on offer. There is only so much environmental engineering I can do! As I’ve said before I’m not anti-medication (I take ADs and blood pressure meds) but I was managing without them previously – I think it would be nice to make life not quite so hard now though.

So I can see the road out now, not quite ready to head there yet, but I have strategies to make sure I don’t stay here too long.

April has been an interesting month. It certainly feels like it’s been a long month. I’m writing this on the 30th (woohoo, an on time update for once!) and it feels like Easter was so long ago even though it’s only been about 3 weeks.

For Easter we colour hard boiled eggs for a jarping comp – my daughter drew eyes on hers ~ not creepy at all….

For most, well all, of April I’ve been depressed. I started it noticing it coming on in March*, which probably means the black dog has been lurking since Jan-Feb; but I finally feel like I’m coming through it. For the first time in ages I actually felt like leaving the house. Which means I’ve turned a corner because when I’m overly anxious or depressed I really do not like being outside/leaving the house. So that’s a nice way to end the month.

Another nice thing is that I’ve started to get interested in my garden and shade houses again! I haven’t done much as yet but it makes me happy that the interest is there. Mr T helped me to clean out the shade houses (he did most of it) and now I can see what I have and get ideas of what to do. The cooler weather in the past week or so has helped with that as well. I’m also having ideas of getting my honesty stall up and running again.

And things that I used to do such as looking at how I can use up leftovers, scraping the “finished” jar of PB that the teens put on the bench to get the 2 sandwiches worth of PB and topping up the new jar, and generally paying attention to the little things; being mindful. I am starting to feel like I have the time, breathing room, and brain space for those things again.

And yes, I realise that I am in a place of privilege – I am so lucky, and grateful, to have options where I don’t have to make work (as in paid work) my priority. I know not everyone has that, which is a big shame; and I also know that some people love working and it’s a huge part of who they are; and that’s wonderful because often those people are doing work that is incredibly valuable. But for me, the non-paid work parts of my life are as much as I can cope with!

So yeah, April has been quite a month. And I’m cautiously optimistic about May…. but I’m not going to say that too loudly 😉

*I documented some of my thoughts/feelings/experiences about my depression, and state of mental health, on my personal FB page and at some point I’ll put them on here because I’d like to keep a record, and you never know, it may be useful to others.

Ok 2023, what have you got in store for us? A friend posted something today that made a lot of sense. She said how often people will look at the year j

I started writing that on Jan 2nd, it’s now April 2nd. I was going to delete it but honestly it sums up how the beginning of this year has gone for me. At the beginning, kinda chipper and knew what I was doing and then bam! I got knocked off my feet somehow mid thought. Sideswiped by a semi.

I feel like the last 3 months have been a year in themselves. Towards the end of March I had that complete exhaustion/burned out feeling that I don’t usually get until Nov. There were several reasons I think. Firstly my office job went from something I really enjoyed to me having anxiety about going, and there was all the feelings about that – being disappointed in myself, being angry about certain things, thinking maybe I should just push through and do the minimum required. That last one won’t ever happen – if I have a job then I always do it to the best of my ability. But there were aspects of the job that I just couldn’t do, so it was better that they find someone that could. And better for me to quit before the oncoming mental/physical breakdown actually happened.

Another reason I needed to quit. My kids still need me in the mornings at drop off. And I need to have the time and brain space to make sure that they are getting what they need to be in a good place at school, and get what they need to thrive in what I see as a failing education system. Let me be clear – the teachers are not failing, the school management staff are not failing, the school admin staff are not failing. All staff at my kids school are wonderful, and for the most part I love the teachers they have. Special shout out to the deputy principal and principal for being so caring and approachable and listening to my concerns, ideas. They are amazing. And so are the admin staff that know my kids well enough to ring me when my daughter hadn’t handed in the form to do yoga for inter-school sport, but they know she would have wanted to do that. But they are working within an educational framework that is broken and suited to the world (or rather our society) how it was probably several decades ago. Not how it is now.

And finally – and possibly most importantly – I was missing the life I’d started to create. The slower pace life with time to garden, cook, tend to my honesty stall and other hobbies. Time to write here, time to go for a walk and sit and stare at the ocean, time to go have coffee with my mum.

So hopefully it won’t be 3 months until my next post! 🙂

I’ve been trying to reflect on the past year but my brain just doesn’t want to play along. So I thought I’d just start and see what happens… It’s been a big year so this is likely to be a long read.

I was really unsure how this year was going to go as my kids were all either struggling at the end of last year, or had a big year coming up. So there’s been lots of energy and time put into them this year, but it’s been so worth it as all have finished the year in a good place. That was like my best Christmas present. Which is lucky because they don’t get me anything 😂

I wanted to get some work this year to contribute to the family finances. I was bringing in a bit with my stall, but wanted to start making more. After a brief try at the soul destroying process of finding a job I took a chance and started a “mums helper” business. That took off really well, lots of demand and was very fulfilling, but not something that I could do long term. At the same time I also started a virtual assistant business because that is something that fits in perfectly with my life; and I’d been enjoying the bit of VA work that I was already doing. I did a bit of work with that, but owning a business means you are constantly looking for work and that does not bring me joy. I like people to just give me work rather than having to find it myself! 😉

So as I was thinking about what my ideal job entailed I stumbled across a job that was posted in a local FB group. It was for admin/advertising sales, so I figured I’d find out more. A few emails, a trip to the office to meet the other people in the team, and at the age of 52 I have my first job that pays public holidays, annual leave, and sick pay. Also still doing VA work for my OG client which I like doing – it’s funny because one of the reasons I like my office job is getting out of the house and talking to people, and one of the reasons I like my VA work is that I can do it from home and don’t have to talk to anyone!

The only issue with getting my job so far is that it’s thrown off my “balance” and I don’t have as much downtime which I need for my mental health. I haven’t had the time or inclination to do my gardening or other activities that were helping keep me on track mentally. I even made the decision to close my stall for a while because I couldn’t keep up with it. Being peri-menopausal hasn’t helped either, that is kicking my butt big time with the symptoms and hormonal fluctuations. Oh and I fell down the stairs again in the middle of the year and fractured my ankle, which meant that my walking, that had been pretty sparse anyway, was non-existent.

All of that meant I was feeling pretty burnt out by December. And then I got covid thanks to Mr T’s work xmas party. It’s annoying because I remember going to work on Monday 12th Dec and feeling good – the school holidays had meant a bit of sleep in and no school run so I was feeling pretty rested. Tuesday 13th I started feeling really off, but I wouldn’t have thought it was covid unless Mr T got a message about someone at the work party testing positive. My symptoms were a bad headache, light-headedness, and fatigue. By the end of the week I developed cold/flu symptoms and they hung around for a few days, then my tongue swelled up and my body just ached. I felt really guilty about work, getting paid when you aren’t working is a weird feeling when you aren’t use to it! But I really didn’t want to give anyone else covid heading into Christmas, and honestly I would have been a bit useless.

It’s been almost 3 weeks and the last couple of days my eyes were blurry. This morning I can see better though thankfully! Still feeling fatigue, tongue still slightly swollen, hands also still feeling a bit swollen/arthritic, but otherwise ok. Mr T also got covid but it seemed to hit him harder with initial symptoms and the fatigue but he’s pretty much been back to normal the last few days.

Having covid really threw a spanner in the works for Christmas plans – we were going to go up to Bribie a few days before Christmas and probably come home Boxing day or so. But we were still testing positive the week before Christmas and there was no way we were risking taking covid up to Terry’s mum. We ended up just going for Christmas lunch and coming home – we were still both so tired there was no point in staying up there. I did however go up on the 28th for a night away – it’s something I do from time to time as it gives me a “mini getaway” and time to recharge. And Mr T and kids are going to go up today (NYE) and stay up there for a few days. He’s still on holiday next week so can do that.

One decision I made towards the end of this year when I realised how off-balance I was, was to get back to walking & running. But in a guided way – so I made an appointment to see an Exercise Physiologist. I had my first appointment just before I got covid, which put a bit of a dampener on things, but the last few days I’ve felt ok enough to do the exercises and go for short walks. And my fave Learn To Run program is starting on Jan 9th (my birthday!) so I’m going to join in with that, but work with the EP as well so I don’t overdo anything.

So I’m hesitantly looking forward to 2023. There are memes going around about “no one claim next year to be your year”, “ok lets all go into next year quietly, sit down, and don’t touch anything”. We are all feeling a bit shell-shocked from the past 3 years and the collective trauma is still being felt, even while in some ways we are being told to “get back to normal”. But normal has changed, and some of those changes are good (work flexibility, employees being valued more, or at least realising their value more) so I hope they stay around!

Today I made a decision that’s been coming for a while but I’ve been in denial I guess. For a while now I’ve not had the mental energy, the spoons, the hit points, the motivation, whatever you want to call it, to look after my plants and stall. So, for now, Kenmar Honesty Stall has been shut down.

The sign had already blown away so all that was left to do was remove the cash box. There are still a few plants surviving, and I’m going to look in my shade house to see if there are any others that need homes. Once I’ve done that I will post what’s there but then it will sit empty for a while.

I think for now I just need to let it go, because otherwise I’m heading for a shut down myself. I’ve been there before and really do not want to go back, so this is my self care. Giving myself some space to decompress the stress and emotions of the past 12 months.

I am hoping that I will be in a position to “reopen” after summer but I will need to recover from this exhaustion first.

So hopefully this isn’t the last of Kenmar Honesty Stall because I have really loved doing it, the support I’ve received was overwhelming, and I’ve met some wonderful people though it too. I really do live in the best community! ❤